just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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