I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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