Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i love accidental penises.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
