i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
