i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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