Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
