the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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