It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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