he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
