He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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