Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
