it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
