Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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