im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
