did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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