I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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