Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
