If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
