I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
