i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
