My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
