I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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