just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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