this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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