What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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