My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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