Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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