After last night, I could never be a politician.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
