I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
