My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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