He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
