Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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