i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
