the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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