the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
