How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Acid is not a monday night drug
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
