A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
