"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
