Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
