if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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