Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
