thus making me awesome and them whores
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
