I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
