I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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