I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
