Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
