this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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