The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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