I'm eating all of the evidence.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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