Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
